Define Love
by Dragon up a tree
Summary: Just a oneshot that came to me. Hisoka pondering the definition of love and a certain purpleeyed partner of his. mild shonenai, just to warn you


This is just a weird little drabble that came to me. Enjoy. Oh, and the characters are not mine.

-------------------------------------------------------------

_Love: 1) n; A deep tender feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arise from kinship or a sense of oneness._

Hisoka reread the definition and sighed, leaning back in the chair. For the past few days he had felt troubled. It came and went, but he would suddenly feel his stomach flutter and would blush for no apparent reason. Sometimes it he felt physical pain, deep inside, but it felt good. Like his heart was trying to leap out and away. And it was all because of one person.

Tsuzuki. Lately, ever since they had returned to work after the Kyoto incident, Hisoka had been watching him. Stealing glances when he thought the other wasn't looking, and denying vehemently when he was caught. At first he convinced himself it was only to watch, to read if he was okay. But after a while…it was more like he couldn't help it anymore. It was more than a habit, it was almost a need.

He had his suspicions of what was wrong. This was why he was now looking said suspicion up in the large dictionary taken from the library back to their office. The door was closed, because if anyone asked what he was doing he would officially re-die of sheer embarrassment.

' "_A tender feeling of affection"…_I suppose that's what I feel,' he thought. 'I certainly don't hate him. He's important to me. I want to be there for him, when he needs me. He's definitely my friend, and you can feel tender affection for a friend. I suppose he feels like kin to me. Solicitude?' He flipped through the pages of the dictionary. 'To feel concern, anxiety or care towards an object or human being. Yeah, I suppose that's me. But everyone feels that way towards Tsuzuki most of the time. Except maybe Terazuma. But yes, I've definitely felt that before, many times. And that one time, when we synchronized minds, that's like a feeling of oneness, right? But is that all I feel…?'

Hunching back over the book, he read the next definition.

_2) a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person._

'Second verse same as the first, huh? Tender I think I can understand…but passionate?' His cheeks heated up thinking about what most considered 'passionate'. 'Do I…feel passionately about him? I want to protect him. I want to comfort him. I want to be his shoulder to cry on, his crutch when he can't walk, his steady hand to lead him away from that horrible darkness he can't let go of. Is that passionate?'

Rubbing his temple, he began to think this was futile. Perhaps what he felt couldn't be explained in words. Perhaps it was a virus that could affect even shinigami. He decided to read the last definition anyway.

_3) a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair—_

'Desire? Attraction? I don't know about that. I do have trouble staying away from him. Even when I claim I want to be alone, I expect and even hope he'll come crashing through the door to try and coax me out of my gloom. No, it's not desire. Everyone is attracted to Tsuzuki, in some way for some reason. But we are a pair. We're partners.'

_--;the emotion of sex and romance._

Hisoka nearly fell out of his chair. That's what can happen when all of the blood leaves your body and rushes to your face.

'Oh…my…god! N-no! That's not what I feel! I mean, I like Tsuzuki. I'll admit, he's not bad looking…I do like the way he looks when he actually smiles, instead of one of those hokey fake smiles. And the way his eyes shine…god, those eyes. Such a beautiful shade of purple, like amethyst or lavender. And when his hair is messed up from sleep, that dazed look still on his face and dressed in a muscle shirt and boxers, since I don't think he ever packs a proper pair of pajamas, but I don't mind so much anymore—'

He smacked his palms against his forehead as every image of Tsuzuki on their missions entered his mind and came forward, front and center. Tsuzuki defending him. Tsuzuki dancing with Hisae. Tsuzuki at the poker table.

The image of Tsuzuki in Touda's flames made his heart lurch painfully. He had the profound urge to reach out to him then, to the image in his mind, and hold him close. To never let him escape from him. It was selfish, but he couldn't help it.

Blood was pumping like the rush of a wild river in his ears. He examined each memory carefully, trying to keep his breathing calm even as the rest of his body began to overheat.

"Maybe I am in love…" he muttered.

"What?"

Hisoka whirled, gripping the back of his chair in fright. Tsuzuki stood there behind him, shock written on his face. He hadn't noticed the man's entrance, having been to busy with his fantasies to notice the sound of the door opening. His face burned so hot he wondered why the smoke detectors had not gone off by now.

"H-hey," he squeaked, immediately clearing his throat. "Um, hey Tsuzuki. Sorry, I was kind of absorbed in my thoughts and didn't notice you till just now. You startled me! For being so dog like, you walk like a freaking cat." The shocked expression didn't leave the older man's face and he just stared at his partner. "Is something wrong?"

Shaking himself, the amethyst-eyed shinigami forced a smile. "No, I…uh, just came to see what you were doing. It's almost time to go home."

Hisoka looked up at the clock and was surprised to see that indeed it was almost time to leave. He had been in his musing for quite a while, longer than any of the other rare occasions he allowed his imagination to run away with him. "Wow. Okay, I just need to return this real quick." He picked up the dictionary from his desk.

"I'll walk you!" Tsuzuki chirped eagerly. Hisoka nodded, not saying or looking at him. After his new revelation, he didn't know if he could ever do so again.

Dropping off his book, Tsuzuki then walked him to the cross roads in front of the bureau building and bid him a cheery good-bye. Hisoka frowned when his back was turned. It had seemed like there was something he wanted to say, but held back. His shields had been particularly strong for some reason as well. Sighing, he went home and fixed himself something to eat. Then he decided that he would turn in early due to the fact his mind was hovering incessantly around the same topic.

With a growl he swiped at the condensation on his bathroom mirror after getting out of the shower. 'I'm not going to tell him. He deserves someone…pure, like him. Not damaged. Not cynical. Not someone who calls him an idiot all the time and hits him.' Automatically he dried his hair and began to get dressed. 'He's my friend, I can't risk that.' He paused as he pulled his shirt over his head. 'My love doesn't matter. It never did, it never will.'

The doorbell rang and jolted him from his progressively dark thoughts. Walking towards it, he almost collapsed at the feeling of angst and self-loathing leaking through that simple piece of wood. Mustering up his strength, he pulled it open.

Tsuzuki stood there, swaying slightly and blinking at him with a squint. His face was flushed and his clothes slightly disheveled.

"Tsuzuki? What are you—?"

"I want to know who!!" Hisoka started at the man's angry slur.

"What?" He swayed slightly and he reached out a hand to steady the larger man. "You're drunk, aren't you?" he growled in annoyance.

"No I'm not! I swear to drunk I'm not god! Now just tell me!!" He shook the smaller boy, on the verge of inebriated hysteria. Already fed up he struck him across the face. Not hard, just enough that he would stop and think for a moment.

Tsuzuki put a hand to his cheek, surprised by the sudden sting. Hisoka felt bad and drove his thoughts home, but it had been the only way he could think of to stop him. "Come on inside, before you fall and crack your skull open on my doorstep," He led the intoxicated man into the living room and made him sit down. "Now, what the hell are you doing here?"

Blinking again, he rubbed his cheek and motioned for his friend to sit. Evidently some of the alcohol was already burning off, so he must not have drunken as much as he first thought. Sitting, he looked at the other expectantly.

"I want to know who," he said again, more calmly and a little clearer. He wouldn't look him in the eyes though.

"Who what?"

"Who you love."

Hisoka's breath caught. "Wha-what?"

"I heard you, Soka. You might've muttered it, but I heard you loud and clear." Looking up suddenly, he almost yelled. "When he hell did you fall in love?! I've been with you more than anyone else, when did you have the time to fall in love? When wasn't I looking?"

"Tsuzuki, calm down—"

"No! I won't calm down!" The purple eyed man suddenly grabbed Hisoka and pushed him against the arm rest of the couch. His heart immediately accelerated, more from the fact that the very object of his affections was so close than any actual fear. He knew Tsuzuki wouldn't hurt him. "Is it someone I know?" he asked, trying to keep his voice soft and even, and failing mostly.

Hisoka swallowed nervously. This close, with this many confusing emotions around him, it was impossible to lie for either one of their sakes. "Y…yes."

Tsuzuki flinched as if a blow had nearly come at his head. "Do they…work at the ministry?" He nodded, wondering how fast his heart could beat before it gave out. "Nearby?"

"Closer than you might think," Hisoka whispered.

The brunette bit his lip. "Do you…are you really in love?"

Taking a deep breath, Hisoka nodded. "Yes. I didn't realize it till today, but I've loved him for a long time."

"Him?" He nodded again, dipping his head from the incredulous tone of his friend. There was a small pause before he asked quietly, "Who?"

Hisoka pushed him back so that he could sit properly. Looking him dead in the eyes—the lavender eyes that soothed him do deeply—he took a deep breath and dove in head first. "The man I love is tall and most often wears black, but it looks very dashing on him. He's always smiling, and I've learned from watching what each smile means. Often they are fake, but I cherish every real smile even if I'm not the one who put it there. He has a penchant for sweets, possibly his one weakness, and even before I knew I loved him I would leave candies on his desk every so often when I thought he could stand to be cheered up. But it's hard for me to read him. He won't let me in, no matter how hard I try. He's strong, so much stronger than me, but fragile as well. I almost lost him once because he actually thinks he's worthless. I want more than anything to keep him safe, but it's usually him that saves me."

Leaning in ever so slightly, he narrowed his gaze at the enraptured shinigami on his couch. "But he is also and idiot. So I'm going to just tell him…" He took a deep shuddering breath. "I love you, Tsuzuki."

There was no reaction. He just stared at the blond, his eyes wide. 'I've done it now! I've ruined everything! Why did I—'

He gasped as two strong arms wrapped around his back and pulled him forward. Pressed against Tsuzuki chest, he could hear his partner's heart beating as fast as his. "Tsu…Tsuzuki?"

"I love you too." Hisoka stopped breathing at the whispered confession. "I've loved you for so long, but I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't know if I should. I thought you deserved someone better."

Hisoka turned into the embrace and buried his head in Tsuzuki's shoulder. "Baka!"

"I know, I know."

"No, not you. Me." He pulled back and looked at him with a watery smile. "I thought the same thing. That _you_ deserved better."

Tsuzuki laughed and pressed his forehead against his new love's. "Better than you? Not possible, there is no such person in the world. You're better than…than chocolate!"

Hisoka smiled, a sight that took the other's breath away. "Took the words right out of my mouth. Minus the chocolate part."

Both laughing, Tsuzuki took a moment to just admire the boy that was practically sitting in his lap. "Can…can I kiss you, Soka?"

Blushing, he bit his lip but nodded slightly. Reaching up and catching the verdant eyed teens chin, the elder shinigami gently turned his prize's head and pressed their lips together. Though shy and chaste at first contact, the feelings transmitted nearly overwhelmed both of them. Tsuzuki moved his hand up to cradle the back of his head while the other went around his waist to steady him. Hisoka timidly put his hands on the large shoulders and pushed up into the kiss.

Moaning as the kiss was deepened, he almost jumped when he felt Tsuzuki's tongue brush against his lips. The other did jump as he willingly parted them to allow entrance. Slowly he learned how to spar with his partner, swiping his tongue over his and drawing them into a sensual dance. It was during all this that Tsuzuki dropped his shields.

Hisoka was faced with…his own feelings. But they were not his, they were Tsuzuki's, his love as strong as Hisoka's and unleashed in a torrent.

"Hisoka?!" Blinking, the blond flushed even more realizing he had begun to faint from the onslaught of emotions.

"I-I'm fine. It's just…" Tsuzuki smiled and leaned back on the couch, drawing the younger with him.

"I think that's good for tonight." He silenced the boy's protests with a finger to his swollen lips. "We'll have plenty of time. For now, let's just rest. I'll stay here for as long as you want me."

Smiling, he pushed himself up and kissed the brunette's cheek, the one he had struck earlier, a silent apology for being rough. Hisoka then cuddled into his embrace and sighed in contentment. He felt a rumble of laughter and a soft kiss to the top of his head before his lover's breath evened out into sleep.

'I was right…words can't define what I feel for you, Tsuzuki.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Holy hell, this is under 3000 words! This is a first for me, honestly. And that was my first kissing scene ever in history! Was it any good? For a first try i mean.


End file.
